It’s the beginning of day 6. I’m sipping black coffee after eating 2 eggs and half a grapefruit for breakfast. I could have eaten more. I probably should have eaten some vegetables, but I will eat them with lunch and dinner today instead. I wasn’t that hungry. I’d rather have some almond milk caramel flavored creamer, of course, but sweeteners of all kinds are banned, and I’ve realized it is indeed the sweetness I crave.
Last night I dreamt that I accidentally took a bite of a sugar cookie, then remembered my whole30 status and spit it out without swallowing any. My dream self was concerned this would require a reset all the way back to day one. It had red sprinkles, by the way, a basic grocery store bakery sort of thing. It wasn’t that great. The Whole30 Calendar predicts dreams of junk food on days 13 and 14. I can only hope that means the ‘Tiger Blood’ phase will kick in early as well.
The book puts a lot of emphasis on planning, but I started without much of a plan. I had a physical last Wednesday, and let’s just say that the health consequences of a couple of crazy high stress years combined with waning estrogen, an active social life, and a genetic predisposition for high blood pressure are real. Also, maybe I shouldn’t have let myself get hooked on energy drinks.
I didn’t plan because a friend called to invite me to a group Costco run right after I had decided ‘yes’ to Whole30, but hadn’t decided when to start. Since vegetable supply seemed to be the biggest hurdle, I decided to start Thursday. I already cook quite a bit, avoid most dairy thanks to lactose intolerance, and don’t need to rely on prepared foods.
Prepared foods had gained a foothold, nonetheless. Campbell’s soup and Fritos for lunch. Breakfast cereal with almond milk. Pasta sauce from a jar as a base. Ketchup! It creeps in, and it’s all not on the Whole30 approved list.
Progress? Well, mostly I miss ketchup, realize I was drinking a lot of orange juice, and had a tendency to absent-mindedly eat random candy/cookie/cake/snack things for reasons other than hunger.
“Betrayal. A breach of trust. Fear. What you thought was true—counted on to be true—was not. It was just smoke and mirrors, outright deceit and lies. Sometimes it was hard to tell because there was just enough truth to make everything seem right. Even a little truth with just the right spin can cover the outrageous. Worse, there are the sincerity and care that obscure what you have lost. You can see the outlines of it now. It was exploitation. You were used. Everything in you wants to believe you weren’t.”
― Patrick J. Carnes, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
… but I think some of us might be struggling to stay grounded in reality.
First, come the promises, the descriptions of the future, professions of love and loyalty. Next, there will be words and behaviors that don’t seem consistent with the promises. The difference is in how we react.
I have some experience. I thought I’d learned. I thought I was being patient. I thought I was showing compassion, but compassion from strength is different than compassion from weakness. One is grounded in truth and maintains healthy boundaries. The other is marked by a profound willingness to be deceived and exploitation.
How do we react to the ties to Russia or to the first evidence of betrayal we find? They’ll deny the existence and discredit the source. It’s standard. It leaves us confused and a bit off balance. Some would believe him, as much because they want to as any proof. What proof could you possiby need?
*Wait, how is it my fault for finding the evidence?*
“Baby, I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
Isn’t that enough?
How do we react when the evidence that didn’t exist now begins to show up and denial is no longer possible? Will we be accused of over-reacting? Will we accept reality or believe what we want to believe?
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